What is a Crunchy Parent?: My thoughts on what crunchy parenting is and why I think it’s not an excuse to judge other moms (and dads)
This post has been a long time coming. I see parents all the time wondering what it means to be a crunchy parent, as if to question whether they understand the idea or if they are doing it “right.”. As with all things, there is no right answer, and I’m surely not the mouthpiece for the entire attachment parenting community. That said, since I went and slapped the “Crunchy Parent” name on myself, and people come wandering over here after searching for an answer to “what is a crunchy parent?” I suppose that I should at least offer up a few of my ideas on the subject. As a note to Crunchy Daddy, I don’t presume that we have the same exact views on this topic. In fact, I know that we don’t, and I invite you to share your view of crunchy parenting as it strikes you today and from your perspective. Anyway, time to quit stalling and commit to some words….
Where to begin? So many swirling thoughts….ok, I think that crunchy parenting is an approach more so than a result. I believe that crunchy parents are those who parent mindfully and open-mindedly; taking time to stop, gather information via research, discussion, or personal observation and then make an actual decision with respect to their parenting. I think that it is a departure from the more mainstream approach of generally doing whatever society happens to be doing. Now, I gotta backup already….crunchy parents aren’t just sitting on their pouffy philosophical clouds, adjusting their halos and spouting brilliant prose. They don’t have time to think through every choice, and they don’t start out on parenting day one as self-actualized beings, full of wisdom. Crunchy parents are human and flawed, and if they forget that, their children will remind them to be humble. Crunchy parents, like all parents, will have countless opportunities to re-evaluate their circumstances and make new parenting decisions that support their families and their sanity. At times, these choices may be closer to the attachment parenting end of the continuum, on other occasions they may come with a Happy Meal toy. Life just works that way.
I will say that it seems that the majority of folks who label themselves as crunchy parents, attachment parents, granola, hippie, alternative, weird, or whatever do arrive at some fairly non-mainstream choices somewhere along their parenting road. They don’t necessarily start (or end up) delaying or avoiding vaccinations, breastfeeding for years, delaying solid foods, maintaining a TV-free household, reveling in cloth diapers, wearing their babe in a cozy sling, eating non-processed organic food, eschewing plastic toys, or what have you, but they are more likely than the average Jane or Joe to opt for some of these choices at some point. In general, this is because they at least took the time to consider these options without being intimidated by the prospect of going against the mainstream culture.
So here’s my head-hanging shame in slapping the “crunchy parent” banner across my chest….I don’t like when that term is used as an excuse to alienate or judge others. That’s not to say that “crunchy” parents are solely responsible for the so called “mommy wars” or the rampant judgment we parents cast upon one another as we size up the choices made by other moms and dads. Nevertheless, I think that we granola types do have a reputation for seeming a bit “holier than thou” as our children munch on their organic veggie and hummus sandwiches on sprouted whole grain bread and role play a rally for peace with their Waldorf dolls while “Jenny’s” kids chow down on their Lunchables and play with their x-box all the live long day.
I mean seriously, what’s Jenny likely to think in this whole scenario? Perhaps that we are sitting in judgment of her “failing” to live up to our parenting standards so she avoids us like the plague (y’know, like if you were given the chance to have Martha Stewart over for a dinner party, or invite Oprah to your charity event, would you do it, or would the potential pressure of being judged unfavorably outweigh the joy?). Maybe Jenny finds us so unapproachably different than she is left to believe that we can’t possibly have anything in common and therefore a friendship, or even a conversation, is out of the question. And maybe we are in the middle of a self-righteous fiesta and we think that we have made better choices than Jenny and that we don’t stand to gain anything as parents from associating with the likes of such a mom. I’m certainly not above talking smack about some other parent whose choices I find confusing or objectionable, but I do try to catch myself and cool my judgy jets from time to time as I remember that I am not the holder of ultimate parenting truth and wisdom.
I ran into an essay recently entitled “Judging Mothers.” The piece focuses primarily on feminists, but I believe that the message applies to crunchy parents (and all parents) as well. I’ve excerpted some of the points that I felt connected to the most, although I encourage you to read the complete essay as food for thought. I’ve substituted “crunchy parents” for the author’s original use of “feminists.”:
“(Crunchy parents), like everyone else, are sometimes wrong. If we want to build community with other women, I think we have to be open to surprise and willing to listen. This seems simple and obvious— human interaction 101— but I have found it incredibly difficult to do as a mother when I myself have felt “under attack” from another mother’s seeming judgment…Consciousness-raising doesn’t work so well lecture-style. Instead, it comes through honest discussion in which people acknowledge ambivalence, vulnerability, complexity, and torn feelings. As the (crunchy parent), sometimes we have to go first. Acknowledging our own ambivalences can allow women who have been afraid or unnerved by the contradictions they feel to speak up.”
After all, who are we to know what Jenny’s life looks like, or why she’s arrived at the choices she has? Maybe she has some darn good reasons, or maybe she has no reasons at all other than it never occurred to her to do anything else. Maybe she’ll meet some odd crunchy parent, strike up a friendship, and see that there is a different way of being. Maybe she will take some of those ideals on in her own life, and maybe she won’t. And really, possession of items like Velveeta and Dora the Explorer dolls are not exactly akin to crack cocaine and semi-automatic weapons. By expanding beyond our own attachment parenting circles, we (and our precious children) may also be exposed to new ideas or ways of being that resonate for us, or maybe we’ll just gain appreciation for the notion that there are many different ways of approaching life, and that we can like our choices just fine, while at the same time understanding that other people making different decisions is ok too. Maybe Jenny’s family embraces a beautiful holiday tradition, or Jenny soothes her child with a great little song; maybe she is a gentle soul and a good friend we’ll be lucky to have. Maybe Jenny can teach us a thing or two. Which brings me back to my initial thoughts about crunchy parenting…it is approaching parenting mindfully and open-mindedly, and that applies to being open to the possibility that others may make different choices, or be at a different place in their parenting than you are, and that is ok. We are all still learning and changing. We are all still learning and changing.
So I guess that sums up some of my thoughts on the crunchy parenting topic, and with respect to the issue of judging other parents, especially other moms. What are some of your thoughts? How would you answer the question, “What is a crunchy parent?” What does the term “crunchy parent” conjure up for you? What do you think that it conjures up for others, and what do you wish that it did? How do you think attachment parenting and natural family living factors into the tendency for parents to judge or feel judged by others? I know that it’s all a lot to think about, but I believe that it is worthwhile to consider some of the above questions, and I’m interested to hear what you have to say.
September 23rd, 2007 at 7:31 pm
Great post!
One of the highest compliments I’ve gotten recently is from people who say that while I’m opinionated and have strong feelings about parenting, I remain nonjudgmental.
We’re infallible all of us, and even though I’m confident in my choices, I remain humble as my children test me and I make mistakes and sometimes don’t live up to my own expectations of myself.
September 27th, 2007 at 11:05 am
I really enjoyed reading your ideas about crunchy parenting. It’s so hard to explain. I also liked Carrie’s comment above. What a great compliment!
September 29th, 2007 at 7:44 am
[...] gave her thoughts on her blog on what crunchy parenting meant to her and I was thinking I’d like to put some [...]
May 6th, 2008 at 3:28 am
I love your points. This is exactly the reason why I created my Kind Crunchy Parents group on myspace. I was sick and tired of begging others to PLEASE remember that they themselves did not just wake up before their kids were born and suddenly begin to think CRUNCHY is what I must be. Thank you for posting such a beautiful article. I am going to post a link on my group if that’s ok with you. I would like everyone to be on the same page as I (on kindness) and this is the best way I have ever seen conveying that understanding amongst women can be possible.
May 6th, 2008 at 11:36 am
Vanessa-
Thank you for the kind words. I’d be delighted for you to share my thoughts with your group, and to have them join in the conversation here in CrunchyParent.com. I’m sure that they would have a lot to bring to the discussions.
-CP
May 17th, 2008 at 1:01 pm
I was interested in this post, as it addresses an issue I’ve grappled with since my son was born 1 1/2 years ago. It’s the issue around labels and the separations they create.
To give you some background, Lucas was a waterbirth baby at home with a midwife. We have chosen not to vaccinate. I breastfed until it no longer worked for us at 10 months. We tried the babywearing, but both of us hated the slings. He slept in a bassinet, and then his crib. We used our variation of the BabyWise method, and he’s always been a phenomenal sleeper and very happy boy. We plan to send him to our local Waldorf school. We don’t watch TV. We eat organic, non gmo, whole grain, healthy, homemade food. I don’t wear hemp clothing. I do wear makeup.
I’m not an “attachment parent”. I probably don’t qualify for the “crunchy” label, either. I make many conscious choices for my family, and I am open to learning. Some practices just seem to make good sense to me, while others don’t. Is there a label for this kind of parenting? I don’t think so. And maybe that’s okay.
The point you make about suspending judgment of other parents is a good one, and I think the less we use labels, the easier that can be.
Cheers, and all the best to you in your journey of motherhood!
June 5th, 2008 at 6:25 pm
Wow! I learned something new. I had never heard of crunchy parenting. I was searching “autism spectrum” on blogher and found a post by you and subsequently came to your website.
I did attachment-style parenting with my first child: quit job, used the sling, co-sleeper, breastfed until 18 mos, no solid food until 6 months, no table food until about 2 1/2 and such. Then we adopted a 1 1/2 year old girl with special needs from China who came with all the characteristics of reactive attachment disorder. I stayed home and tried floortime, holding time, hand-feeding her, rocking her to sleep, on and on… She has been a challenge. THEN we adopted a 3 1/2 year old boy with the same special need from the same orphanage and he has been diagnosed with PDD(NOS) and ADHD.
So whole, organic foods have become the least of my concerns, but I do try my best to not use too many convenience foods. We live on acreage and have a garden and are starting to raise a few chickens for eggs.
I was a SAHM for several years and now that they are all in school, I work part-time with my husband.
I like your website. I am trying my hand at blogging and would love you to visit my new little blog and critique it even. I’m not too sensitive. And I don’t plagarize! I’m at spectrumkids.blogspot.com
June 7th, 2008 at 6:27 am
China-
Welcome! It sounds like you have full hands and a lot to share. I’ll be delighted to check out your blog, thanks for the invitation.
-CP
August 3rd, 2008 at 7:00 pm
Hi there
Thanks for responding to my query about what a crunchy parent is. But I’m still confused: why the word crunchy? I really don’t get it!
Dayle
August 3rd, 2008 at 7:42 pm
Dayle-
I did not personally coin the term “crunchy.” My understanding is that “crunchy” is an extension from the idea that natural hippie types are dubbed as being “granola” (and y’know, granola is crunchy). That’s not to say that all crunchy folk are hippie types (I wouldn’t label myself as such) but that’s where crunchy came from as far as I know. As I mentioned, I personally believe that “crunchy” parents are those who are mindful in their practice of taking time to contemplate their parenting decisions and make active choices even if that means departing quite a bit from mainstream society (or even if it does not). In practice I find that this often leads to some fairly “natural” choices relative to society as a whole.
I’m not sure if that helps you with the origins of the term. Let me know and I can try to clarify it a bit more.
-CP
August 18th, 2008 at 5:45 pm
I found your site by accident and found it very interesting. I am not sure how long “crunchy parenting” has been a label, but it sounds remarkably similar to the way I raised (yes, past tense) my children. The middle child was born in a birthing center, the youngest on the way to the birthing center. I lived too far out for a midwife or my Dr. to home deliver. I breast fed 15 months, 3 yrs, and 2 years. That was NOT common at the time. We ate organic as much as possible, no white sugar or flour in the house, did without Tv for long stretches of time, home schooled for periods of time, and co-slept. I then became a very poor single mom and some things changed so I appreciate your statements about not judging. While I attended college we lived in assisted housing so I will admit to plugging my kids into cable tv at times to avoid them going outside. We ate fast food because it was cheaper and faster. I have been gainfully employed as a public school teacher for several years now and I try to appreciate where parents are and not judge. I have a grandchild I have helped raise and he gets sort of a mix. I try to use healthy locally grown food, we have unit wooden blocks he adores, but he has a Wii at home and eats lots of processed food there. Not a criticism, I adore my daughter. THis is long, sorry if I ramble. It just caught my attention and I think it is very relevant not to judge others parent style. I DID influence my daughter to breastfeed for about 2 years and to co-sleep for about 6 years. Good luck to all you young parents. My 3 kids turned out great in spite of me.